Grateful

I am so so grateful to W & M at the moment.

I moved in a few months back. Due to other housing issues that I have experienced, and W supporting me through the latest ones, when the last place wasn't working out, she suggested I moved in with them until I finished my degree.

I never imagined how important living in a functional family home could be - and I never imagined that the things I am finding most useful would have ever even happened.

The last few weeks have been rocky to say the least, and as per usual, when my head goes dark, my room becomes unmanageable. I struggle to see the wood for the trees, and lack the energy or drive to do much at all once I'm left to my own devices - this is highlighted more the nearer I get to recital day, and thus my 'impending doom'!

I am not depressed, but I am down - and this little mirroring of my head is a common feature in the relationship I have had with any of my bedrooms - the worse I feel, the worse it gets (and the worse it gets, the worse I feel - that old chestnut). In the past (as a child), I would be told off for it - and it was rare to have an offer of help in sorting out along side me. Obviously, in university, I have been left to my own devices, and so it tends to stay a mess until my mood improves, at which point I have the energy again to sort things out.

Tonight (having spotted things slipping a while back), W offered to help me sort it. Although I feel a little embarrassed, as I'm coming up to 27, I am so grateful to her. Instead of moping and getting stressed with it, we had a giggle, and when I got a bit freaked out - she found a place to start. Sometimes, even as a fully fledged 'adult', I need the care and input that I just didn't have as a child.

This entire stay here has been therapeutic in more ways then they will ever know, and in more ways then I ever imagined. Just being part of a happy family base, having people to chat too, to be silly with, or to hug. People that can manage my bad days, without making me feel guilty for having them, and who don't immediately abandon ship, or scream fire at the slightest set back. I feel like a child in some respects, but then I missed out on being treated like one when I was that young. In a way, I feel that its that care that is slowly starting to stitch bits of me back together again, and it couldn't be coming at a better time.

I am so lucky.

I am scared of needing to leave, but I know that I will have to at some point soon - I don't want to take advantage. Emotionally, I feel like I'm still so young in some respects, and I'm only just getting used to having people around me that care, that it worries me slightly for when I leave - but I am an adult, and I will have to manage things, and (hopefully) will manage things. It will be painful to go - I will probably feel homesick for the first time in my life, but everyone needs to fly the nest at some point - I'm just not flying from my family nest.

Things will work out because they have to - in an ideal world, I would stay until I feel strong enough to go - but my healing journey has been long, and there is still far further to go. Either way, I will have been given a few months of TLC which is a damn site more then I have ever been given before. I will come out of here knowing that it is possible for people to care.