I have had 12 years of therapy, and only now am I starting to see what truly went on.
I think for myself, I need to start remembering and sifting through what went on, and so I would like to start at the beginning - and really begin to go through the many many hard experiences, so that I can get some perspective. No longer should I be blaming myself for being the 'mental case' from the 'perfect family'.
The reality was that I grew up in a narcissistic matriarchal family, with substantial emotional neglect, and severe bullying (which lasted through 5 schools and 12 years). I also had sexual abuse and rape in my early adult life (which i am only now starting to recognise), and 2 abusive relationships (one was a narcissist, surprise surprise) and a whole other lot of terrifying and difficult experiences to boot.
That makes me sad to wright
This left me with Anorexia, Dysthymia (chronic depression which has been pretty bad at various points), PTSD, chronic insomnia, and a tendency to self harm. All of these issues I have taken the blame for - but in reality, I was ill because of my childhood, not just for fun.
The beginning - growing up with a narcissist
I grew up in an outwardly perfect family.
I had 2 parents who 'loved' me, I had 3 siblings, and I 3 grandparents, and a gigantic extended Jewish family.
We would spend our time playing music - our family essentially formed a string orchestra (I kid you not), made up of each smaller family where the children formed string quartets, and quintets and trios.
On the outside, I was given every opportunity to 'better' myself - my childhood was spent attending specialist Saturday music schools, courses, lessons - all day, every day.
What people didn't see, was that it was a truly miserable existence.
We were a Jewish family, run by a Narcissistic grandmother, and a grandfather that had lived through the holocaust. I mention this, because the trauma that he could not process has left burning marks on the rest of us - and the negative effects of this follow through the generations in a very hidden, but very destructive way.
Interestingly, the Narcissistic tendencies (grandmother), and anger (grandfather's toddler tantrums) have also been learnt by my mother, aunts and uncles - and every one of them has taken on a trait or two - non of them have totally happy or functional families, but no body quite realises why.
I grew up with 2 parents, but both were 'missing in action'. We lived a very short distance from my grandparents, and as such, they were given full control of us, whilst my parents faded into the background of 'people that lived under the same roof', yet appearing totally perfect parents to those around us.
It was a very clever set up - top marks for effort granny!
As far as my individual family went - I was the 3rd of 4 children.
My older brother was very clever, and very studious. He worked like a trooper, and got 5 A's at Alevel before studying medicine and Oxford. In our family, boys can do no wrong - and lucky for him, this meant my grandmother had nothing but praise and worship to give him.
My older sister was the original scapegoat. She was clever, but didn't like to work too hard. Very popular, very sociable, and I believe this gave her the tools she needed to forge an escape route.
She spent many years under attack from my wider family - many many family gathering which would result in 30 people shouting at her - but her reaction was to fight back, and to run away. She spent a good 3-4 years literally running away from home, and was labeled the black sheep. Thanks to her large social circle, she managed to escape relatively unscathed (I suspect this boosted her confidence in herself enough), and once she left for music college, the relationships calmed down. Very recently (11/12 years after leaving), she is starting to forge better relations with her parents and siblings - though up to recently, we had very little contact.
I came next. I was quiet, known as the 'over-sensitive' one. In reality, this is because I was being severely bullied continually, and became a very scared child. From the age of 7, I was not able to get to sleep until 3-4am, and rather then think there was something wrong, it was purely a frustration for my parents.
I was severely dyslexic, and never felt good enough. I continually had my differences pointed out to me, thus becoming extremely critical of myself, and lacked any self confidence. This made me extreme compliant.
When I witnessed the treatment of my sister, I made a conscious decision to do what I was told, thinking I would escape the pressure. Unfortunately, this only made me an easy target - and I became the focus of my grandmothers attentions and criticisms.
Alongside this, I was also the child that ended up with the roll of care taking for my mother. I learnt very early that she couldn't cope if she got upset, and so became continually vigilant to her needs, sectioning my own needs off.
Eventually, I caved under the pressure and developed very complex mental health problems.
The last of 4, my little sister. She was affected by her learning difficulties far more then myself. As such, the expectations for her were lower. She didn't struggle too much with friends as a child - largely because I was protecting her with the will of a demon if I saw anyone so much as mutter something! She was in the lowest teaching groups at school, and it is only in adult life that she is realising how different she is - this is hard to watch.
As the expectations were different, my gran never really expected much from her. Personally, I see this as a lucky escape - she has never had to endure being the focus of 30 people shouting at her for not trying, or the icy silence my gran can uphold for weeks at a time, but I am also aware that she is constantly battling those feeling of not being clever because of this.
Thats the amazing thing about families run by a narcissist, we all grew up jealous of each others position. I was desperate not to be the centre of my grans world, and my cousins and siblings were jealous of me 'getting all the attention'
I think for myself, I need to start remembering and sifting through what went on, and so I would like to start at the beginning - and really begin to go through the many many hard experiences, so that I can get some perspective. No longer should I be blaming myself for being the 'mental case' from the 'perfect family'.
The reality was that I grew up in a narcissistic matriarchal family, with substantial emotional neglect, and severe bullying (which lasted through 5 schools and 12 years). I also had sexual abuse and rape in my early adult life (which i am only now starting to recognise), and 2 abusive relationships (one was a narcissist, surprise surprise) and a whole other lot of terrifying and difficult experiences to boot.
That makes me sad to wright
This left me with Anorexia, Dysthymia (chronic depression which has been pretty bad at various points), PTSD, chronic insomnia, and a tendency to self harm. All of these issues I have taken the blame for - but in reality, I was ill because of my childhood, not just for fun.
The beginning - growing up with a narcissist
I grew up in an outwardly perfect family.
I had 2 parents who 'loved' me, I had 3 siblings, and I 3 grandparents, and a gigantic extended Jewish family.
We would spend our time playing music - our family essentially formed a string orchestra (I kid you not), made up of each smaller family where the children formed string quartets, and quintets and trios.
On the outside, I was given every opportunity to 'better' myself - my childhood was spent attending specialist Saturday music schools, courses, lessons - all day, every day.
What people didn't see, was that it was a truly miserable existence.
We were a Jewish family, run by a Narcissistic grandmother, and a grandfather that had lived through the holocaust. I mention this, because the trauma that he could not process has left burning marks on the rest of us - and the negative effects of this follow through the generations in a very hidden, but very destructive way.
Interestingly, the Narcissistic tendencies (grandmother), and anger (grandfather's toddler tantrums) have also been learnt by my mother, aunts and uncles - and every one of them has taken on a trait or two - non of them have totally happy or functional families, but no body quite realises why.
I grew up with 2 parents, but both were 'missing in action'. We lived a very short distance from my grandparents, and as such, they were given full control of us, whilst my parents faded into the background of 'people that lived under the same roof', yet appearing totally perfect parents to those around us.
It was a very clever set up - top marks for effort granny!
As far as my individual family went - I was the 3rd of 4 children.
My older brother was very clever, and very studious. He worked like a trooper, and got 5 A's at Alevel before studying medicine and Oxford. In our family, boys can do no wrong - and lucky for him, this meant my grandmother had nothing but praise and worship to give him.
My older sister was the original scapegoat. She was clever, but didn't like to work too hard. Very popular, very sociable, and I believe this gave her the tools she needed to forge an escape route.
She spent many years under attack from my wider family - many many family gathering which would result in 30 people shouting at her - but her reaction was to fight back, and to run away. She spent a good 3-4 years literally running away from home, and was labeled the black sheep. Thanks to her large social circle, she managed to escape relatively unscathed (I suspect this boosted her confidence in herself enough), and once she left for music college, the relationships calmed down. Very recently (11/12 years after leaving), she is starting to forge better relations with her parents and siblings - though up to recently, we had very little contact.
I came next. I was quiet, known as the 'over-sensitive' one. In reality, this is because I was being severely bullied continually, and became a very scared child. From the age of 7, I was not able to get to sleep until 3-4am, and rather then think there was something wrong, it was purely a frustration for my parents.
I was severely dyslexic, and never felt good enough. I continually had my differences pointed out to me, thus becoming extremely critical of myself, and lacked any self confidence. This made me extreme compliant.
When I witnessed the treatment of my sister, I made a conscious decision to do what I was told, thinking I would escape the pressure. Unfortunately, this only made me an easy target - and I became the focus of my grandmothers attentions and criticisms.
Alongside this, I was also the child that ended up with the roll of care taking for my mother. I learnt very early that she couldn't cope if she got upset, and so became continually vigilant to her needs, sectioning my own needs off.
Eventually, I caved under the pressure and developed very complex mental health problems.
The last of 4, my little sister. She was affected by her learning difficulties far more then myself. As such, the expectations for her were lower. She didn't struggle too much with friends as a child - largely because I was protecting her with the will of a demon if I saw anyone so much as mutter something! She was in the lowest teaching groups at school, and it is only in adult life that she is realising how different she is - this is hard to watch.
As the expectations were different, my gran never really expected much from her. Personally, I see this as a lucky escape - she has never had to endure being the focus of 30 people shouting at her for not trying, or the icy silence my gran can uphold for weeks at a time, but I am also aware that she is constantly battling those feeling of not being clever because of this.
Thats the amazing thing about families run by a narcissist, we all grew up jealous of each others position. I was desperate not to be the centre of my grans world, and my cousins and siblings were jealous of me 'getting all the attention'
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